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Fear no more!

I’ve noticed that when I express myself from a place of fear, I support the things that scare me.  When I put focus here, I have a tendency to worry about the situations I want to avoid. At this point, I have to ask myself: ‘is this is a productive use of my thoughts?’ If I believe in the idea… what I put energy into expands – and why would I want to amplify my fears?

In my mind, there are two types of fears: percieved fears and actual fears. How on earth can you tell the difference? An example of a real fear is the unpredictability of driving. With time and experience, I’ve learned how to ‘mangage the risk of driving.’ I find it helpful to be present, follow the rules and drive with the utmost care. In turn, I have become a defensive driver with a keen sense of periferal vision. I choose to stay focused on safety: what I do want instead of what I don’t want, which is an accident. With this state of mind, I can fully pay attention AND enjoy the ride.

When you pay attention, you will start to notice how much time you spend in the make-believe land of ‘what if?’  When our stories are based on past experiences – they are valid – to a point. For example, if you almost drown, chances are you will develop a fear of water. So, you can choose to stay in the shallow end, or you can put energy toward learning to be a better swimmer. With practice, you will gain confidence and learn to keep your head above water. You will also learn to make sound decisions and not swim in choppy or rough water. This chain of events – progressing past the fear of water – is called wisdom.

Practicing awareness – by taking positive steps towards making wise decisions with intention – will help you progress past the place of fear. Take time to pay attention to people who seem to be faced with a lot of misfortune and notice what they talk about. It is often all about the things that have, and are going wrong in their lives. This behavior creates a domino effect.

Why is this?

The universe conspires with the words we say – including the energy and intention behind them. It might sound like new age ‘woo woo’, but it’s true. What we say and do circulates, and people pick up on who we are. Since misery loves company and we are all drawn to the life of the party…who are you attracting?

You can take this example and apply it to other aspects of life. I have noticed how easy it is to overthink a situation and turn our story into drama. I’d like to make a bumper sticker that says: Quiet Please: Drama Free Zone! You will usually get out what you put into a situation, so approach those that invoke a sense of fear in you with a positive attitude and intention.

How to bust through the fear:

1) Be aware – notice when you are in a place of fear

a) Is the fear is real or percieved?

b) Is the story you are telling yourself true? If not, why continue? (Byron Katie The Work)

2) Connect with your highest values and treat yourself with respect

3) Gratitude – we have so much to be grateful for! From here, the fear disappears

4) Stay in the present moment, your most powerful tool! (Eckhart Tolle Power of Now)

The antidote to living with consternation is to live with purpose and determination. Practice the values and virtues that are important by setting an example. When we choose to connect with the things most important to us, such as honesty and integrity, for example – our best self will likely show up! Here, we naturally operate from a place of self respect.

I just finished one of our Chicks Rock! programs in Devil’s Lake, Wisconsin and one of my favorite comments came from our youngest, a 15-year-old, participant. She said “the reason I like coming to this clinic is because being in nature brings out our true selves. When people act natural and real, it makes it easier to be myself. This group is kind and respectful, I feel good being here!”

Exercise:

1. List your three highest values
2. Write about why each are important to you
3. Give examples of how you actively live by these values
4. What is the effect on yourself and others when you practice these?
5. What happens when you don’t?
6. What values do you look for in a good friend?

Now spend time imagining what you want for yourself, and let this be what expands from your thoughts. Create the stories that inspire you to flourish and grow, surround yourself with people who belive in you, have fun and take swim lessons. Live on purpose!

It’s not uncommon for me to be in a rush while trying to juggle a few things at once. Recently, I decided to take a closer look at the result of what I thought was good time management. When I took a step back, I saw there was a certain frenetic energy that goes into racing around trying to be efficient. What a paradox!

From the outside looking in, I may have a look of importance on my face as I tend to my tasks as quickly as possible. After all, I’m supposedly getting a lot done. The truth is, it’s impossible to multi-task. We can only really do one thing at any given moment or, at least, do one thing well. It is impossible to have two different thoughts arise at once – one thought may lead to the other, but they are not occurring in the brain at the same time.

I noticed that it actually takes more time to hurry because I often have to re-do the mistakes I make while hustling. It creates a domino effect as the several chores I had been doing begin to tumble over, one at a time. One day I was trying to drink my coffee, get dressed and talk on the phone at the same time. But, I tipped over my coffee, had to change my clothes, mop the floor and call my friend back.

Things like this happen all of the time when I am in a rush. I started to notice that when I do things with care, I always get a better result. Care is using caution, attention, awareness, conscious action, precision, accuracy, guardianship, protection, safekeeping and responsibility. How can I not get a better outcome when I put words like these into practice? Besides, it doesn’t take that much longer.

In other articles I have written about choices; making good or bad decisions, creating good or bad habits – ultimately, we all have the free will to choose. I consider this topic of care as the next rung on the ladder to making the best choice. Care takes operating from a higher state of awareness with your concentration fixed on the task at hand.

Eckhart Tolle inspires his readers in The Power of Now to slow down and live each moment. He writes: “In your everyday life, you can practice this by taking any routine activity that normally is only a means to an end and giving it your fullest attention, so that it becomes an end in itself. Be totally present. When you wash your hands, pay attention to all the sense perceptions associated with the activity: the sound and feel of water, the movement of your hands, the scent of the soap and so on. Be aware of a silent but powerful sense of presence. There is one certain criterion by which you can measure your success in this practice: the degree of peace that you feel within.”

Isn’t Tolle simply saying - do it (anything) carefully?  We don’t often stop to think about the present undertaking because we are rushing off to the next place or looking ahead at our to-do list. As a result, we miss the simplicity and joy of the process.

Taking care is living with a level of intention that orchestrates a well-designed and deliberate life. Aim for quality and you will produce a sound product and have a good experience. What arises is happiness and contentment. From my experience, it can be as simple as that.

Simple Steps towards taking care:
1. Slow down
2. Pay attention to what you are doing
3. Do one thing at a time
4. Don’t think ahead or focus on what you still have to do
5. Use your words carefully
6. Be aware of your surroundings at this moment
7. Take personal responsibility for your actions
8. Think about the people your choices affect
9. Consider the outcome ahead of time
10. Enjoy what you are doing
11. Notice how this makes you feel

When we act within this principle of care we become more in tune with the needs of others. Being of service takes deliberate consideration and a sensitivity that extends beyond our personal desires. Perhaps this is an even higher rung on the ladder to care.

When you look after and provide for others you will, in turn, have more respect for yourself. Children and the elderly naturally fall into this category, but so do your neighbors. When you practice the Golden Rule: ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ or the law of Karma and merit: ‘what goes around comes around,’ good things will happen and you will get the best results. The cycle is endless.

A habit is a tendency that is repeated until it is done automatically without thinking or conscious intent. When we repeat a pattern, it is like a groove deepening in a rock that will become well established over time. We often find comfort in the familiarity of this place and will stay here until we become aware that a particular habit does not benefit us any longer.

We form habits of thinking, doing and being that become part of our world and how we identify ourselves. In my life coaching practice, I spend a lot of time with people who want to break a pattern that is no longer serving them. It is surprisingly hard to get out of a groove that has become deeply entrenched.

How do we get here?

Over our lifetime we are immersed in countless experiences that influence us.  Our thoughts and behavior are shaped by our parents, economic status, education, the surrounding environment, or religious beliefs. We learn to respond according to the information we acquire along our unique journey. When something works for us, we do it again, and again. When something doesn’t work, we may still do it again as we become creatures of habit.

Habit is a man’s sole comfort.  We dislike doing without even unpleasant things to which we have become accustomed.  ~Goethe

Examples of bad habits:

1)    Smoking, or drinking too much

2)    Biting fingernails

3)    Gossiping

4)    Over eating

5)    Cutting in front of others

6)    Not listening and interrupting others

7)    Always being late

8)    Not telling the truth

9)    Thinking negative thoughts

10) Resorting to anger

11) Foul language

Not all habits are bad. There are productive and unproductive levels of everything we do.

At every moment, we are in a place of choice

Examples of good habits:

1)    Being grateful for all you have

2)    Saying thank you and being courteous

3)    Speaking kind words about others

4)    Picking up after yourself

5)    Being respectful to others

6)    Using a seat belt

7)    Arriving on time

8)    Exercising daily

9)    Keeping your word

10) Helping others

11) Brushing your teeth

When does a habit become an obsession or an addiction? When it’s difficult to stop and it turns into a consuming thought or action that preoccupies your mind. Here, it runs round-and-round inside your head like a hamster on a wheel.

How to break an unhealthy habit:

1)    Admit you have one

2)    Decide you really want to change

3)    Don’t feed the bad habit

4)    Start to notice the pattern

5)    At the point of noticing, realize you have a choice

6)    Choose differently and do the right thing

7)    Get others to help and remind you

8)    Hire a life coach or a therapist

9)    Set realistic goals

10) Don’t talk yourself out of what you really want

11) Be gentle with yourself

I like to focus on developing healthy habits and ways of being that encourage a balanced and satisfying life. The imbalance comes when we are doing things we don’t enjoy that do not inspire growth, health or happiness. The dictionary says balance is the harmony of design and proportion. I like the idea that we are the architect of our world and with self-determination, we make our choices along the way.

Dr. Wayne Dyer in the Power of Intention says that in every moment we have an opportunity to act from a higher energy source or a lower energy source. More simply, we have the choice between doing the right thing and doing the wrong thing. When we consciously think about it, we know the difference. This is our free will. When we act without thinking, our response comes from a habitual, automatic and unconscious place. If we are unaware of our actions, we will form unhealthy habits and behaviors.

I’ve always liked the Native American tale about two dogs: “Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog, all of the time.”  When asked which dog wins, Chief Cherokee reflected for a moment and replied, “The one I feed the most.”

If we are aware of what is good for us and what is not, our decisions become easier. First, we have to wake up, look and act from a conscious place. Change is not easy but it starts here:

* Experts agree that recognition is the first step

* Change only occurs when we truly want to

From here, anything is possible. Dr. Dyer also says: when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. The rest will follow. Try it!

There are many daily activities we perform automatically and often take for granted: we breathe, we blink and we make choices.  Have you ever stopped to consider how many choices you make throughout the day? Think about it! There are two ways to look at your options: conscious and unconscious decisions.

Conscious choices happen when you: are awake, aware, have a heightened sensitivity, are deliberate, intentional and in control. You are connected to a higher frequency and bring others into consideration.

Unconscious choices happen when you: are unaware, don’t realize what you are doing, have an automatic response or reflex. You might not take others into consideration or stop to think of the consequences.

Which do you think will create a better outcome?

In America, our world is full of privileged choices that align with our values and are carried out of our own free will. We are no longer in survival mode or forced to do things we don’t want to do, even though it can often feel that way. We willingly pile things on, and as a result we become very, very busy. Sound familiar? Our self-inflicted irony is that we have to juggle our obligations and this is where it gets complicated and overwhelming.

Our most profound choice is the one we often do without notice – it’s how we show up and conduct ourselves while responding to our responsibilities of the moment. Here’s a great example: after my shoulder surgery my boyfriend wanted to bring me to his house and take care of me. It was his week to have his adorable six-year old son and he had several deadlines at work. All good problems! I knew he really wanted to be there for me and he was hurt that I even considered another option. So I said “yes, I really do want you to take care of me!”

There I was confined to a reclining chair for three days, needing constant ice, pain medication every few hours, water and food. I couldn’t even get out of the chair or dressed without his help. Meanwhile, he was a father, a caregiver and an architect. I was needy and he was stressed. He was unaware of the energy he was exuding until I pointed out that I wasn’t getting what I needed which was calm and compassion. It was hard for him to understand how his tension was affecting me until I brought it to his attention. Once he became conscious of what he was doing, he saw it and was able to make a shift.

The things we say “yes” to become the obligations we are morally committed to carry out simply because we said so. Here, we discover a delicate balance amidst our responsibilities to serve our family, friends, colleagues and ourselves.  Since a commitment is something we want or need to get done, we are faced with how we choose to conduct ourselves. We can carry them out with joy and enthusiasm, or we can be annoyed or angry (at ourselves and everyone around us). Which is more satisfying? Which will have the outcome we want? Frankly, one draws people in and one pushes them away.  One produces happiness and one produces unhappiness. One is the high road and one is the low road.

When we are in tune with our actions, we operate at a higher state of consciousness and are essentially awake. It takes constant diligence to exercise this level of awareness, and the result is being more present and content with everything we do! Essentially, it will bring more peace to ourselves and others.

Tips:

1) Take a close look at what you say you’ll do and what you really want to do.

2) Be aware of how you act when you carry out your tasks. Is there a smile on your face? Or do you seem bothered?

3) Notice the affect the mood you are choosing (at the moment) has on others.

4) Acknowledge and remember that you can make a different choice.

5) Put a sticky note on your computer or refrigerator to remind you.

6) Ask for what you want.

7) Allow those closest to you to be your mirror.

8)  Give back what you want to receive.

9) Learn to say “no”.

10) Pay attention to your actions!